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The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of the Self-Concept
Your self-concept is the filter through which you view the whole world, and learning to master it frees you from self-sabotage, ruts, and limiting beliefs – and it will transform the way you navigate the world, as well as connect you to your authentic self.
What is the self-concept?
The Self-Concept is a collection of thoughts, beliefs and emotions you have regarding yourself (Holt, 2024, p 628).
Why is the self-concept important?
Not only does your brain constantly seek verification that your self-concept is accurate, but it filters out any information that is inconsistent with your beliefs regarding yourself (Holt, 2024, p 631).
Carl Rogers (1902-87) stated that if a person deems themselves as unlovable, they will act in ways to ensure people around them confirm this idea (Holt, 2024, p 628).
Aka: If John believes that everyone will abandon him – he acts in ways to ensure his partners feel rejected or mistrusted. When they do leave him, he’s confirmed his own self concept. Therefore, his actions obey his thoughts – and reality obeys his actions.
People seek out situations that confirm their own self-concept. One study suggested that people with low self-esteem who enter marriages in which their partner holds them in high esteem tend to leave the marriage for a partner who confirms their own self-concept (someone who holds them in low esteem) (Holt, 2024, p 631).
We have two love-examples. But consider this:
If Sandy’s self concept is that she is a failure and a fraud, and she gets a promotion to a powerful position in her company.
If Sandy subconsciously needs to validate her self-concept of being a failure, will she truly embrace her new role? Or will she self-sabotage?
How can I become aware of my self concept?
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
– John steinbeck
Practice Honesty
Growing up – we create filters. Filters that protect us from saying, doing or thinking things that are bad, wrong, foolish or shameful.
When discovering your self concept, I want you to practice releasing these filters.
One of my favourite ways to do this is through morning pages – which is a concept I took from the book The Artists’ Way by Julia Cameron.
What are Morning Pages?
Morning pages are three pages you write every morning (or at whatever time fits you).
An alternative for those of us who prefer to express themselves verbally is to record your voice for a set amount of time (10-15 minutes) – or to turn on voicetyping in your notesapp or in a document.
The Rules are the following:
- You must write continuously: you are not allowed to stop writing until you’ve finished the set timeframe or the entirety of the three pages.
- You are not allowed to go back or edit the words you write. Allow typos and half-finished sentences, it doesn’t need to be cohesive to anyone but yourself.
- You must write every single thought that pops into your head. It doesn’t matter if it’s silly, uncomfortable or wrong. You must write it down.
If you struggle with what to write; then say exactly that. Write about how you don’t know what to write until you think of something else.
Furthermore, if you struggle with what to write, practice asking yourself the question “Why?”
Why do you think so? Why did you behave that way? Why do you feel that way?
Morning pages helps you develop these five skills:
- To be present with your thoughts
- To observe your thoughts without judgement or editing – some thoughts become clearer when you can observe them on the page and solutions may come easier
- To practice expressing yourself honestly, without filter
- A way to organize your thoughts
- A way to catch common trends and thought patterns
I recommend (free and not sponsored) Squibler.io, the most dangerous writing app for those of us who struggle with morning pages. It’s an app that forces you to write continuously, without pause, and with little time for editing typos – because if you stop writing for too long within a set timeframe, it will delete all text.
Get Curious
Release Expectations – Shift Judgement to Curiosity
As long as you stick to a mental idea of what a person is supposed to act like and supposed to be like – you will have resistance against every single part of yourself that doesn’t fit that ideal.
You are one of many beautiful, confusing, wonderful and messy humans – and our species is collectively insane. Allow discovering the strange, turbulent and flawed nooks and crannies of your brain to be fun; an adventure. Find ways to romanticize imperfection, individuality and authenticity.
Then, get curious.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I believe this? Why did I act that way?
Question your Moral Judgements
Socialization taught us to not be bad; deconstructing and questioning those lessons is how we’ll learn to be good.
And as adults – we have internalized these concepts of good and bad – and it stops us from actually meeting our needs directly, being honest with ourselves and setting ourselves free from other’s expectations of what it means to be “good”.
A great book on this topic is On Our Best Behaviour: The Price women pay to be good by Elise Loehnen that goes into depth on how the fear of “badness” is weaponized against women in our culture – and how to deconstruct the inner critic that tells you all the ways that you are bad, and how to hide them.
Being nice isn’t the same as being kind.
And by removing moral judgement from our actions, and instead finding an acceptance for our own badness – we can become more honest, happy and kinder people. Not by constantly controlling and hyperfixating on not being perceived as bad; we get to just be good.
For more on this topic, check out my post titled 3 ways to stop people pleasing (from a former people pleaser).
Find the Self-Serving Motive
At some point, every single one of your thoughts, emotions and beliefs served you. It comes from an underlying need or understanding of the world, and its intent is to help you navigate the world. Your brain is a perfect adaptation to your environment. And to heal a thought pattern, you must understand how it serves you.
However, not every belief is accurate or useful.
It also does not mean that your way of meeting your need is effective.
Nor that the thought-pattern still serves you (if it was created in a toxic environment that you’ve left, yet kept the thought pattern that adapted as a result of that toxic environment).
Figure out what that need underlying the belief is, and meet it directly, and you may discover the parts of yourself that used to be enemies start to work with you.
Start by validating the emotion or thought without trying to soothe it; That must be painful. It’s ok to feel this way. Thank you for existing.
Practical Example
Tomas grew up with hypercritical parents. He learned that to win affection, he must be impressive and successful.
This strategy was useful in getting his need for validation and love met growing up – it genuinely served him. He would read the room, figure out what everyone wanted, and then become that person.
But he never deconstructed this self-concept.
So he still tries to ‘win over’ friends and partners by being what they want him to be (at least in the beginning). But then, as the relationship deepens, Tomas starts to reveal who he really is.
His friends and partners ends up feeling cheated – because he isn’t doing the things he promised to do when he was trying to ‘win them over’.
Tomas now feels like no one loves him for who he really is… Because he has a self concept that stops him from expressing his authentic self in the first place… Because he believes that ‘people love me for what I do, not for who I am’…
Which inevitably becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hold space for your emotions.
As you discover the hidden nooks and crannies of your psyche – you’ll encounter some uncomfortable truths and sore spots.
Events in your life that you haven’t processed yet, and truths about yourself that aren’t desirable according to what you’ve been taught was right and wrong, and unknown beliefs that crumble once you eye them with an adult lens.
Validate the Emotion.
Know that whatever you feel, it’s valid and it’s ok to feel that way.
Sit with it.
The only way to release the emotion is to sit with it.
Thank the emotion for being here, and notice the sensations of the emotion without trying to soothe or change or dive deeper into it.
Just let it exist.
Allow yourself to feel and get curious.
Express the emotion
Express the emotion in safe and healthy ways until it subsides organically. Write about it, sing, move your body, get creative or listen to music that helps you express it.
Just stay safe and find healthy ways to express and hold space for your emotions.
Avoid doing this when you’re processing an emotion
- Distract yourself from the emotion or escape it
- Invalidate the emotion (I shouldn’t feel this way)
- Moralize the emotion (it’s wrong to feel/think that way)
- Attempt to “feel better” through toxic positivity. You get to feel this way right now. Only reframe your thoughts positively after you’ve allowed yourself to feel it.
How to Improve the Self-Concept.
Be as you wish to seem.
– Socrates
Awareness goes a long way
Only becoming aware of your self concept and the root cause behind a behaviour can be a powerful tool for change.
So if you’ve tried any of the tips above; then congratulate yourself. You’ve already come a long way!
Confuse your brain – cognitive dissonance
What would someone who loves themselves do?
To act and speak in ways that are incongruent with your self-concept will create cognitive dissonance. (Hock, 2015, p 199) – aka: mental confusion and internal conflicts.
Our brain may believe that we tell it. But one thing the brain can not deny is how we act.
If there is incongruence between what we say, and what we think – the brain will start to create new ways to smoothen the incongruence.
Act Like Your Ideal Self.
When you act in ways that are incongruent with your self-concept, the brain feels the need to smoothen out that incongruence. How you act will fool your brain, and change the beliefs you have regarding yourself.
How would your ideal self think, feel and act?
Affirmations and Subliminals
Use affirmations to change the way you speak with yourself – you can also try subliminals (affirmations that your mind registers but does not hear, usually overlapped by soothing sounds or music – you can find it on youtube).
Note that the way you speak about yourself to others is also an affirmation. Refrain from negative self-talk both alone and in a group.
Reframe the idea of the trait
When you discover a consistent personality trait in yourself that you do not like, try to reframe it into something that can both be positive, and negative.
Consider the opposite extreme.
For example – if you dislike the idea of being an introverted person, consider the opposite extreme. What issues does a hyperextroverted person have, that you don’t? How could you balance the extroverts out in the world? Would you trade your introversion for the struggles of the extroversion?
Sometimes, we become blinded by our own strengths because when we express them; it’s easy for us. But to another person, it might be impossible.
Change Your Environment
If a character trait of yours isn’t working, consider where it would work.
Do you think a hyperactive, competitive and fast-paced person would do good at a deskjob – sitting still for hours, and hours on end – and having to adapt to an environment where competition is discouraged?
Most likely not.
Would the same person thrive as a professional boxer?
Most likely.
Oversee the situations you put yourself in.
Perhaps your personality type is valuable – but it isn’t valuable in the environment that you’ve chosen to be in. Perhaps the environment that you live in is not compatible with what makes you valuable.
Perhaps you are an adventurous person who spends a great deal of time around people who dislikes change. Perhaps you are an introvert, surrounded by friends who loves to go out and party.
Question: Is your personality actually compatible with your environment?
Be brave. Start to question your life; do you actually ejoy this? Do you actually feel good around this person? Is this hobby something you do because you should enjoy it, or because it’s genuinely fulfilling?
Can you hold space for the idea that a trait can be both good and bad at the same time?
Romanticize the trait
Interact with the trait. Play with the trait. Create scenarios in which the trait would be valuable.
One way to do this is through personality tests (MBTI (cognitive functions), Myers briggs, Big 5 or the Enneagram.
Although not scientifically supported, I’ve found that personality tests that celebrate individuality (and most importantly, creates vocabulary for different ways of being) – can help you reframe your personality traits for both good and bad.
It also helps you to find characters, celebrities and people in your life that share similiar traits with you, and seeing them accepted, valued or even praised for these traits can be a healing experience.
Personal Example
I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). My limiting belief was that I need to hide my emotional sensitivity from the world and ignore my emotions in order to be successful. At one point in time, this was genuinely useful – because my school didn’t value my sensitivity. And to stay on top of my studies, I needed to repress my sensitivity to survive my environment.
But in creating a career for myself – I continued to bulldoze my sensitivity. I ignored my cyckle and bulldozed my resistance. Now, it was an old pattern that used to serve me, but that would now be destructive.
So I worked to be softer. Now, my emotional intensity is what fuels me – it has turned into passion, hyperfocus and an intense productivity that actually feels good. It’s an important cornerstone in my career, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But I needed to first deconstruct the belief that “to be successful, I need to harden.”
Thank you.
Discovering your self concept can be a fun – but also lengthy and overwhelming and uncomfortable process. Know that even if I can write confidently about this subject now – it is because I’ve been working on it for 8 years straight.
I know that when I was starting out, I was confused, frustrated and lost when it came to myself. And the purpose of this blog is to help others like me embrace radical authenticity, find their purpose, align with a lifestyle that genuinely brings them joy and to collectively change the world one small action at a time.
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section, or write to me at Elinaljung7@gmail.com.
If this post helped you, share it with someone who needs it.
If you want to dive deeper into how to realize what you actually want, and how to be motivated, then check out my post titled How to set goals you actually want to achieve.
Further Reading:
- How to Find Purpose In Life 101
- How To Get And Stay Motivated In 3 Seconds
- Worldbuilding 101: How to Write Side-Characters
- How I quit people pleasing (and how you can, too)
- Fantasy Worldbuilding: How Does Power Work?
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