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This post is for the people pleasers. If you’re done abandoning yourself for the sake of staying connected to others – this post is for you. 

My intent as a recovering people-pleaser is to give you the advice that would have saved me years, and years of introspection and study.

Let us begin with a short overview of how this post defines the word “people-pleaser”. 

People pleasing isn’t just “being nice”. It’s a deep-seated pattern of self-abandonment to stay connected to, or safe from, others. The people-pleasers are those of us raised on conditional love: where affection was something you had to earn, and wasn’t given freely.

This post is for those of us who yearns for a life where you can have yourself, and have others too.

When you decide to be your own advocate – authentic, deep, reciprocal relationships will manifest into your life. 

Because how can you attract people who love you for who you are, if you’re not willing to be yourself? 

Your New Motto: I Will Not Betray Myself.

Let’s begin with a motto I want you to implement right away: I will not betray myself.

No matter who asks you to, no matter how uncomfortable or scary, no matter the expectations around you, repeat after me: I will not betray myself. 

Does This Sound Like You? 

• Unsatisfying Relationships. Your relationships feel transactional and shallow; people tend to care more about what you do for them, rather than for a genuine connection with you. 
• You’ve lost yourself. You’ve spent so long being a social chameleon that you’re unsure about your interests, preferences, emotions and beliefs. 
• Unable to communicate honestly. The words die on your tongue when you try to say how you really feel. 
• Inner Critic. Your brain bullies you constantly, setting increasingly strict and unattainable rules around others because you’re terrified of being the ‘bad guy’
• Guilt controls you. Constant guilt nags at the back of your mind. 
• Anxiety. A single misstep and feels like the end of the world. 
• Bitterness and Resentment. And then, there it is – that bitterness and resentment building up, rotting in your throat and refusing release. 
• Terrified of Being The “Bad Guy”. You’re terrified of being bad; just for being yourself. 

Does this sound like you? Because it sounded like me, a couple of years ago. 

It still does, sometimes. But the following advice is an extra push, tools I use when the urge resurfaces. And it’s my sincerest wish that it might help someone else, too. 

This is for you. 

Because you deserve to meet people that have space for you to have yourself, and have others too. 

You deserve people who want to help you, and love you – the same way you want to help and love others. 

This is for the people who want to be free, to have autonomy and to reclaim their inner strength.

This is for the people who want deep, authentic and reciprocal relationships. For the people yearning for freedom, who still have faith in themselves and show tremendous strength in that faith.

For the kind people, the hurt people who chose not to hurt others, this is for you.

Let’s begin.

#1. The Uncomfortable Truth: People Pleasing Isn’t Kind.

This will ruffle a couple of feathers; but it was one of my biggest wake-up calls about people-pleasing. 

People pleasing isn’t kind: It’s manipulative. 

Which is an uncomfortable truth to face, because as people-pleasers, we’re praised for our selflessness and goodness – we tell ourselves that we have too big of a heart.

Now, I am in no way calling you a bad person. 

I’m calling you out for being someone who once survived rejection, neglect, abandonment or punishment through fawning (pleasing the threatening person). 

Wait… How is People-Pleasing Manipulative?

Because you are controlling other people’s reactions to you, and modelling yourself to appear likeable, at the expense of authenticity. 

Overstepping Boundaries – Controlling Others’ Reactions to You.

Just like you struggle to set boundaries to protect yourself; you overstep other’s personal boundaries by finding ways to control how they view and respond to you – depriving them of the ability to know the real you. 

Passive-Aggression, Resentment and Unspoken Debts

And sometimes, you grow resentful and passive-aggressive because people don’t reciprocate the favors you’ve granted them, or because they don’t understand your hints. Which they didn’t conscent to, and couldn’t, because you didn’t communicate with them.

You Attract People Who Love Your Persona – Not the Real You

• The reason people reject you isn’t because you’re unlovable. 
• It’s because you model yourself to become compatible with them.
• When you later on reveal that you’re not the person you pretended to be when you first met them; they feel cheated.

This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because you fear being honest in your relationships out of fear of rejection, conflict or abandonment, you put up a false front. But in doing so, you attract people who love your false front, not the real you. Making it an exhausting, never-ending cycle of pain and lies. 

As long as you project an image of yourself as soley a giver; you’ll attract takers. Why? Because those are the people who would be attracted to your people-pleasing persona.

If you wish to know more about how your beliefs shape your actions, and what psychology says about self-fulfilling prophecies like this one – check out my post called How to Discover your Authentic Self (Heal Your Self-Concept).

A Tough Pill To Swallow – But It will Help You In The Long Run

Viewing your people-pleasing as you having too big of a heart to say no may be comforting right now; but it only leads to long-term resentment, unmet needs and inauthentic relationships.

Have compassion for yourselfand for the copying mechanism you might have needed to survive. But allow yourself to see the reality; people-pleasing is manipulative and harmful to others and yourself in the long run. 

No one wants to feel like a bad person, and you aren’t. 

But as long as you consider people-pleasing as a martyrlike virtue that makes you an overly good person, you won’t change your behaviour.

Why? 

Because of the human need of being accepted and good. Which is absolutely irresistible.

And beyond personal trauma – some cultural expectations and norms say ‘we must be good to be accepted’.

A book that dives deeply into how the western culture has weaponised “niceness” against women is the book: On Our Best Behaviour: The Price women pay to be good by Elise Loehnen.

Practical Advice: Reframe Healthy boundaries And Honest Communication to ‘Kindness’ (Altruism) – And People-Pleasing As ‘Niceness’ (Manipulation)

As long as you perceive self-abandonment as being a good person, and as long as people-pleasing satisfies your need for viewing yourself as moral, you won’t change your ways. 

• People Pleasing = Self-abandonment, Self-betrayal, Manipulation, Niceness, Boundary Violation and Inauthenticity. People pleasing deprives you from your needs.
• Healthy + Honest Communication = Kindness, authenticity, genuine relationships, respect for yourself and the other person, courage and true altruism.

It feels Good To Give – So Give Others the Chance to Feel Good

Truly kind people would not demand you to abandon yourself for their comfort.

Dosen’t it feel good to give to others? It’s a humbling, prideful, warm experience to make other people happy. Dosen’t it feel good to see someone light up at a compliment, or to give a good gift? There is genuine joy in being kind to others.

It feels good to help others – so don’t deprive others of the pleasure of giving to you.

#2. Hold Space For Other’s Authentic Reactions to you.

PEOPLE PLEASING ISN’T ABOUT AVOIDING OTHERS DISCOMFORT – IT’S ABOUT AVOIDING YOUR OWN. 

Let’s reframe a popular belief: people pleasing isn’t about avoiding others negative responses to you. You are acting to soothe your own discomfort with their thoughts of you. 

You are acting to avoid feeling: 

• Guilt
• Shame
• Discomfort 
• Rejection

How can you get comfortable with your emotional response to their reaction? 

I’ll go ahead and be a pain in the arse and give you a simple, but hard piece of advice: you need to learn to sit with it.

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable. And chances are you will still feel guilty even when you know a boundary is healthy and fair. 

As long as you escape this fact, you’ll continue to relapse into your old behaviour the moment you feel guilty again. Like before; this is a hard pill to swallow. But it will help you in the long run.

Sit with the emotion. Don’t soothe or escape it.

Validate the emotion. It’s ok to feel this way – just don’t let the emotion control you. You’re the parent, the emotion is the child.

Learn not to assign meaning to the emotion. Just because you’re guilty does not mean that you’re a bad person. Question the thoughts that pop up in you mind as kindly as you can.

If the action truly goes against your values, then sure, take accountability for it and act to make things right. But learn to let the emotion be there without having to mean anything.

How Do I Process An Emotion Without Soothing it?

This topic deserves a whole book, let alone its own post.

Many of us weren’t taught to process our emotions in a healthy way – so we must re-learn it from our internet friends.

But here comes a small summary of how to process an emotion.

The best way I can describe the process of “sitting with it” is to “hold space”. 

Visualize that there’s an energy enveloping the area you feel the emotional pain in, almost like a hug. Validate that it’s ok to feel this way – but that it isn’t the end of the world. 

Allow yourself to feel guilt and get comfortable with experiencing negative emotions without the need to soothe or escape them. 

Question The Worst Case Scenario: Why would it be so bad? 

Sometimes, the human mind is irrational. Question your beliefs.

What is it that you fear so much?

1. That you’ll be rejected? Do you really want to spend time around people who would reject the authentic you? 
2. That you’ll be bad? What is so bad about that? 
3. That they’ll get angry? What’s the worst that can happen? Why is that so bad? 
4. What’s that thing that you’re scared they’ll about you? Why is that so bad? 

Sometimes, getting some perspective is just the nudge we need in the right direction.

To sit with your emotions unconditionally, and to question yourself like this, takes practice. If you want to know more about deconstructing limiting beliefs, check out my post How to Discover your Authentic Self (Heal Your Self-Concept).

Alternatively, try The Artist’s Way  by Julia Cameron – it’s a great book for those of us just beginning shadowwork.

#3. Accept Being The “Bad Guy”

You may Loose Some People (And that’s Ok) 

You are currently surrounded by people who are compatible only with your persona, and incompatible with your authentic self.

Many of them won’t stick around when you drop the persona.

But what’s the alternative? 

Continuing to tire yourself out and pretend to be someone you’re not? 

When you choose to value authenticity – and healthy, honest communication – above all else, you’ll attract others who value the same. 

And isn’t false friendship worth sacrificing for genuine connection? 

Just stay in alignment with your values, and keep your conscience clean.

Remember the motto: I will not betray myself. 

This means not straying from your own conscience – and staying in alignment with your own personal values. Because betraying your own moral compass is also a form of self-abandonment. 

How you’ll balance good conscience and Self-Respect: What would You do if The Roles were Reversed? 

For the people raised in narcissistic abuse, in which they were blamed for things that were never their responsibility in the first place, ask yourself this: 

If the roles were reversed…

1. Would you demand this of them? 
2. Would you expect this from them? 
3. Would you get angry over this boundary? 
4. Would you say this to them? 

If your instinctual reaction is absolutely not, I would never – then why are you letting them do this to you? 

Keep your conscience clean – and take responsibility for your actions. But if you would not do something to another person because it’s wrong – don’t accept others to treat you that way, either.

FINAL NOTE:

If you’ve made it this far; thank you for being brave, thank you for healing generational wounds and for being courageous enough to fend not only for yourself, but to inspire the people around you to do the same.

As a final note, I want to encourage patience, and kindness for yourself. If you’re a people-pleaser, chances are that you have acted this way for a long time.

You will relapse.

But that dosen’t mean you’ve failed.

Relearning behavioural patterns is a life-long process, and it’s not an easy feat.

So spare yourself some grace, pat yourself on the back. You’re doing great, and I’m proud of you.

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